Clarity hath finally come to thee. I realized why my depression kept getting worst when I saw those posts concerning the PokeAni RP. It was the fact that I'm emotional. My emotions got to me when I saw the PinsiriteShipping Post and the Positivity post about the PokeAni RP. But why you ask? I could never get over the feelings of betrayal from when I was forced to step down from the PokeAni RP. They kept showing up when I saw the posts.
When I wrote most of my past Journals concerning the PokeAni RP on tumblr, it was out of my own emotion, my feelings of hurt and betrayal. We all have a darkness in ourselves. Mine was crying out for retribution towards the ones who hurt me. One thing I treasured in the past is loyalty. I was always loyal to my friends, no matter what. And trust me, I've had some friends in the past who didn't deserve my loyalty (IRL of course). Yet, despite the crimes they committed, we were always loyal to each other. So when I was forced to step down from the RP, I felt that a lot of them betrayed my loyalty. I even stuck with these people during the schism that formed the PokeBlogs RP, out of loyalty for allowing me to join. All my heart wanted from my expulsion was retribution towards them. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of these feelings.
Now lets get to the ending for my old Calem Blog. I may have deleted the original journal out of shame, but I will admit that I didn't like the idea of Calem's Pokemon being taken away. Due to lack of information, I thought it was the idea of the same person who lied about me and got me expelled from the PokeAni RP in the first place to swipe at me. But instead, it was the idea of the person who I gave the blog to because they wanted to finish the story that I regretted not being able to finish in the first place. So... I owe someone an apology for that. As I excommunicated myself from that person, I don't know what they said about my accusations of that in the first place. But I have good guess that they are probably angry with me over it.
When I finally got the missing details, I felt shame for my actions. But I did learn that it was a morality play, though I swore to never tell the details. I thought I was finally at peace with my expulsion, but I was dead wrong. The post about PinsiriteShipping caused those feelings of hurt and betrayal to surface. I didn't mean to hurt anyone when I made that post about PinsiriteShipping's darkest secret, I only meant to state that the events that started in my expulsion also gave birth to it. Technically, I was one of the ones who created it... even if it was inadvertently. When I was told off for it... the shame was too overbearing. I had told that person that things were finally starting to look up for me when they put me in my place. I was so depressed that I started to have stomach cramps due to my actions. Another emotion of mine that overpowers me, my guilt. My guilt has always been stronger than my anger. I may have deleted the post, but everyone already knows of it.
Later on after I passed out, I saw the positivity post about the PokeAni RP. Just the thought of it being called a supportive group of people was enough to raise my already high blood pressure. I was about to punch my fist through my monitor by reading it due to my feelings from my expulsion. I didn't feel that they were too supportive after the way I was unjustly forced to step down in order to keep the peace. But then there was the part of the post about the recent negative comments. Guilt took over from there as I did a lot of those posts. It was like a finger was pointed straight at me. I couldn't stand it, it felt like I was getting singled out again.
That's when I decided to think about my own transgressions. I thought and meditated on it, and realized the error of my ways. I then decided to listen to the audio book of "Everyman", a morality play from the medieval days. As I listened, I got enlightened even further. Everyman, was a man who only loved his wealth. When God's messenger, Death arrived for him, Everyman tried to bribe Death for more time. The problem, Death refused his bribe. Bright side, Death told him he could bring a companion with him for his pilgrimage towards his judgement to speak for his good virtues. Everyman sought Fellowship (who represented friends), Kindred, and Cousin (who both represented family), but they told him that he shall go alone. After their refusal, Everyman remembered how much love he put into Goods (represents Materials and Wealth). Sadly for him, Goods too refused him (as you can't take it with you when you go). Everyman then turned to Good Deeds (self-explanatory). Good Deeds tells him that she would go with him, but she is too weak as Everyman has not loved her in his life. Good Deeds then summoned her sister Knowledge to accompany them, and together they went to see Confession. Confession offers Everyman a "jewel" called Penance if he repents his sins to God and suffers pain to make amends. In the presence of Confession, Everyman begged God for forgiveness and repented for his sins, punishing himself with a scourge. After his scourging, Confession declared that Everyman is absolved of his sins, and as a result, Good Deeds became strong enough to accompany Everyman on his journey with Death. Knowledge gifts Everyman with a garment of sorrow made from his own tears, then Good Deeds summoned Beauty, Strength, Discretion and Five Wits (the five senses) to join them. They all agreed to accompany Everyman as he goes to a priest to take sacrament. But after taking the sacrament, Everyman told them where his journey ends, and again they all abandon him with the exception for Good Deeds. Beauty, Strength, Discretion, and the Five Wits are all qualities that fade as a person gets older. Knowledge can't accompany him after he leaves his physical body, but will stay with him until the time of death. Finally content, Everyman climbs into his grave with Good Deeds at his side and dies, after which they ascend together into heaven, where they are welcomed by an angel.
The moral of the story is that in the end, a man only has his good deeds to accompany him into the afterlife. The person I gave the reigns of the Calem Blog to (whom I'll just refer as "Teacher" for the rest of this journal), tried to teach me something. Yet... it didn't sink in until after Teacher had scolded me over the PinsiriteShipping incident. I had also broke a promise with that now deleted post about my part in its birth. My biggest regret out of all of this, is disappointing Teacher. When they put me in my place, my guilt overcame me and I couldn't handle it.
But as for the error of my ways, it was the emotions that I couldn't release from my being and the fact that I learned my lesson too slowly. I should never have held any anger towards the ones who I felt had betrayed my loyalty. As said in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace by Yoda, "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering". Skip the fear, you have my situation. My anger (over their actions) had led to my hate (towards the PokeAni RP) which had led to my suffering (depression when seeing positive things about the PokeAni RP and guilt for my transgressions). It's because I couldn't control my emotions that I couldn't stop myself from doing anything stupid. It had led me astray looking for retribution when I should've been looking for redemption. Not redemption from the one who made the accusations that lead to my expulsion, but from those who no longer saw me fit to be in the PokeAni RP.
All my emotions did was make things worse. That's why I'm going to work on controlling them. If anyone in the PokeAni RP is reading this, I am more sorry about my post-expulsion transgressions than you'll ever believe. I know all too well that I'm never going to be allowed back into the group, but I can live with that. And Teacher, I'm sorry for your lesson not sinking in fast enough. I am a terrible student. All I can ask from anyone now is my redemption. Other than that, I'm going to look at what I do have and rebuild from there. Besides, it'll be nice to start over. I was thinking about joining the Pokemon Positivity Project, but someone from the RP already offered to join. So it might be a better idea not to do so? Meh, there's other things I can do.::UPDATE::
I just changed the mood, that's all.::UPDATE AGAIN::
Earlier today, Teacher finally deleted my old Calem blog. With the exception of still having some friends in the PokeAni RP, my ties to that group are severed. Teacher is a person of their word and I admire them for it. I personally hope that if they can get the roles I once played filled, that the dark shadow I once cast over them doesn't affect the ones taking them over. I have had too much bad blood with the PokeAni RP (mainly one-sided), but I want to leave that in the past. It's the future that I want to look forward to now. Let time do its role and leave behind what all happened. Its time for a fresh start. No more regret, no more anxieties, no more tears. Just move on.
With that said, I sent a confession to the Pokemon RP Confessional blog about my post-expulsion transgressions. It was posted two days ago and you can find it here
. I did it under anon because only members of the PokeAni RP know that it was me. We all have to confess our sins somewhere. Besides, it lifted part of the guilt off of my chest.